Mick and Jim are forced into an unexpected holiday in Lanzarote. They book into Sea View, a bizarre re-creation of a 1950's Blackpool boarding house, right next to
the beach. On their first afternoon, while enjoying a pedalo ride, they are threatened with assassination by both the CIA and KGB.
Subsequently, they are drawn into a web of lies, deceit and sexual excess involving MI7 - so secret, even MI5 and MI6 don't know about it.
After five, bizarre, unexplained deaths they endure a spell in cell 101 with only a bucket for company. Later, they direct a video featuring a clapped out helicopter and two Florida swamp bikers with the goal of saving the Chief of Police's sex life.
The climactic, underground, volcanic showdown is orchestrated by Polly, the world's most foul-beaked parrot.
Mick and Jim are on the run from Vlad and Vic, enforcers for international crime boss and Ealing comedy-lover, Charlie Sumkins.
The chase involves frantic attempts to preserve their lives and reproductive organs. They battle inefficiently scheduled sex with Southsea's most colour-blind landlady, violent amateur dramatics and AK-47-weilding milliners.
They end up in Las Vegas, where, with cactus-punctured groins, they're pursued by Reservoir Dogs' lookalikes.
Later, they go LSD tripping with the stars of Easy Rider, escape from Thelma and Louise wannabes, and make a commitment before a bourbon-fuelled Elvis impersonator, before the big, life-threatening sort-out in Nevada's most lurid theatrical environment.
Mrs Hathaway, Mick and Jim's 60-year-old office cleaning lady, is a martial arts/extreme sports expert - skills she developed through online and home video courses.
Daring Dooz is a highly successful global magazine, full of fictitious adventure stories featuring scantily clad pole dancers.
Mrs Hathaway is, however, the real thing, and accepts a series of global challenges for a £2 million advance. The challenges involve shark attacks, time warps, anacondas, MiG fighters, and the ironmongers/sex boutique at the Hotel du Lack.
In a remote Amazon village, they are threatened by sex-mad caimans, exploding missionaries and murderous bandits with Mick and Jim coerced into videoing every terrifying step.
Mick and Jim are lured to deepest Yorkshire to film a bogus 'most haunted' video at a 13th-century castle built by architectural vandal, Gregory the Imbiber.
The local villagers are having mass hallucinations about Dracula, Frankenstein and werewolves.
A mysterious death, leads our heroes to places they don't want to be - such as trapped 350 feet underground with a jar of pickled whelks, or facing the wrath of Scotland Yard's nastiest - CI Cragg.
Their futile attempts to solve the mystery are complicated by terrifying paranormal activities, incuding bloodstained brides and a moat full of dead faces. Adding to the fun are mad, frost-bitten Dutch neuroscientists, pichfork and burning-torch village mobs and Hollywood glamour and glitz, featuring Matt Damon and a lunatic film producer intent on making Bourne and Bred in Yorkshire.
Just another day in the Dales...
"Clever, fast paced, outrageously funny and never a dull moment. So many laugh out loud scenes, quotable lines and memorable characters. Relentlessly entertaining!"
Mick is on a mission to Hollywood intent on saving Jim's soul and any other bits of him that might be useful around the office.
Horrible things happen. Like not finding out if Pamela Anderson screen tested for Hannibal Lecter. Fascinating information includes the fact that there are pubs in Ireland, and Bulgarian hit men in Hollywood.
What is the secret of the teak-finished iVone and how do people cope with power-boating through seven miles of raw sewage? Why is Marlon Brando happy to serve soup, and JK Rowling so keen on setting peoples' feet in concrete?
If you like geraniums, Florence Nightingale’s spittoon and explosions that shift the San Andreas Fault by six feet. This is the book for you.
During a devastating night on the town, Mick and Jim befriend a killer wolf, called Twinkle. At the It's Alright He Won't Bite Urban Wolf Sanctuary, They learn how quickly volunteers' groins can disappear, and how best to stir your tea with an artificial insemination pipette.
They are conned by the world's worst photographer, into dubious paparazzi assignments. Events quickly become life-threatening and they flee, with Twinkle, to Glencoe to work on a slasher movie for LA's Hemoglobin Productions.
They come up against a Sicilian assassin called Heidi, an Erich Von Stroheim look-a-like, a sex-mad, soft-porn writer who has trouble with her support stockings, American Civil War cannons, the lure of the Copper Sporran's tea cakes, and the unbelievable power of Twinkle's bladder.
Naturally, all is resolved to everyone;s satisfction on the desolate tundra around Archangel.
When the New York slasher movie awards - The Bleeders - turn into a riot, Mick and Jim are offered a mystery escape route to Hong Kong.
Unexpectedly arriving in Darwin, Australia, they are kidnapped and held in the deserted, snake-infested, Broken Nose Hotel - 300 miles from nowhere. Escape attempts result in damaged reproductive bits, while igniting the fury of ex-SAS Sgt Major and international, freelance, unarmed-combat specialist, Rosebud Rochester.
Thanks to her aggressive, but romantic, liaison with Baz who likes being locked in the attic, Mick and Jim eventually escape to a local river, where, on an improvised raft cum toilet block, they fight off copulating saltwater crocodiles and sharks, while being battered by tropical storms and lightning strikes.
After an ignominious escape, they arrive in Hong Kong and have to solve an ancient Chinese puzzle, Why are they there? How does James Bond fit in? Why are they trapped in a luxury suite inside a hollowed-out volcano? Who is Bert Grit? And why is Pussy Galore working as a toilet attendant in Venice? Killer SWAT teams, massive explosions, stun grenades and close-quarter helicopter attacks ensure a happy ending.
The Implosion Saga : Seven Hilarious Novels