STAN ARNOLD BOOKS

 

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Mick and Jim are forced into an unexpected holiday in Lanzarote. They book into Sea View, a bizarre re-creation of a 1950's Blackpool boarding house, right next to

the beach. On their first afternoon, while enjoying a pedalo ride, they are threatened with assassination by both the CIA and KGB.

 

Subsequently, they are drawn into a web of lies, deceit and sexual excess involving MI7 - so secret, even MI5 and MI6 donen't know about it.

 

After fve, bizarre, unexplained deaths they endure a spell in cell 101 with only a bucket for company. Later, they direct a video featuring a clapped out helicopter and two Florida swamp bikers with the goal of saving the Chielf of Police's sex life.

 

The climactic, underground, volcanic showdown is orchestrated by Polly, the world's most foul-beaked parrot.

Mick and Jim are on the run from Vlad and Vic, enforcers for international crime boss and Ealing comedy-lover, Charlie Sumkins. 

 

The chase involves frantic attempts to preserve their lives and reproductive organs. They battle inefficiently scheduled sex with Southses's most colour-blind landlady, violent amateur dramatics and AK-47-weilding milliners.

 

They end up in Las Vegas, where, with cactus-punctured groins, they're pursued by Reservoir Dogs' lookalikes.

 

Later, they go LSD tripping with the stars of Easy Rider, escape from Thelma and Louise wannabes, and make a commitment before a bourbon-fuelled Elvis impersonator, before the big, life-threatening sort-out in Nevada's most lurid theatrical environment.

Mrs Hathaway, Mick and Jim's 60-year-old office cleaning lady, is a martial arts/extreme sports expert - skills she developed through online and home video courses.

 

Daring Dooz is a highly successful global magazine, full of fictitious adventure stories featuring scantily clad pole dancers.

 

Mrs Hathaway is, however, the real thing, and accepts a series of global challenges for a £2 million advance.

 

The challenges involve shark attacks, time warps, anacondas, MiG fighters, and the ironongers/sex boutique at the Hotel du Lack.

 

In a remote Amazon village, they are threatened by sex-mad caimans, exploding missionaries and murderous bandits with Mick and Jim coerced into videoing every terrifying step.

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"Clever, fast paced, outrageously funny and never a dull moment. So many laugh out loud scenes, quotable lines and memorable characters. Relentlessly entertaining!"

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Mick is on a mission to Hollywood intent on saving Jim's soul and any other bits of him that might be useful around the office.

 

Horrible things happen. Like not finding out if Pamela Anderson screen tested for Hannibal Lecter.

 

Fascinating information includes the fact that there are pubs in Ireland, and Bulgarian hit men in Hollywood.

 

What is the secret of the teak-finshed iVone and how do people cope with power-boating through seven miles of raw sewage?

 

Why is Marlon Brando happy to serve soup, and JK Rowling so keen on settng peoples' feet in concrete.

 

If you like geraniums, Florence Nightingale’s spittoon and explosions that shift the San Andreas Fault by six feet. This is the book for you.

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During a devastating night on the town, Mick and Jim befriend a killer wolf, called Twinkle. At the It's Alright He Won't Bite Urban Wolf Sanctuary, they learn how quickly volunteers' groins can disappear, and how best to stir your tea with an artificial insemination pipette.

 

They are conned by the world's worst photographer, into dubious paparazzi assignments. Events quickly become life-threatening and they flee, with Twinkle, to Glencoe to work on a slasher movie for LA's Hemoglobin Productions.

 

They come up against a Sicilian assassin called Heidi, an Erich Von Stroheim look-a-like, a sex mad, soft porn writer who has trouble with her support stockings, American Civil War cannons, the lure of the Copper Sporran's tea cakes, and the unbelievable power of Twinkle's bladder.

 

Naturally, all is happily resolved on the desolate tundra around Archangel.